I recently listened to an MP3 interview with Peggy Post, the granddaughter of Emily Post, who has always been regarded as the doyenne of etiquette.

In years gone by, if you were ever unsure about how you were expected to act at a function, or which fork to use, Emily Post's books were there to guide you. I was interested to hear Peggy Post say that good etiquette is in fact based on the principles of consideration, respect and honesty, and it got me thinking about how often these principles are lacking at weddings!

Wedding guests are, sadly, guilty of quite a few transgressions in this area. For instance, if you have been invited to a wedding, it is a sign of respect to the couple and their parents to make an effort to dress smartly.

Honour the dress code

Unfortunately, this is not always the case — witness the recent trend towards more casual dressing, with some people even arriving at the event in jeans! I often wonder if these guests are aware of the cost involved today in hosting a wedding. I am quite sure that if they were going out for dinner and paying around R200 a head for the meal alone, they would dress more appropriately for the occasion.

It used to be a given that your guests would arrive smartly dressed for your wedding, as weddings have for centuries been very special occasions, which offered the chance to wear one's best outfit and (for the menfolk) to don a jacket and tie.

Many brides express concern that their guests will arrive casually dressed; the only way to get around this problem is to state a dress code on the invitation. On invitations I have seen, the wording for the dress code has varied from 'formal' or 'smart casual' to 'elegant' and 'formal/traditional wear'. I particularly liked the one that asked guests to dress 'fabulously', although you need to be sure that your guests interpret the word in the same way as you do!

Be there if you said you will attend

Some guests also show disrespect by accepting a wedding invitation and then failing to arrive — apart from anything else, most caterers require details of the final number of guests attending about a week before the event. Several venue owners have related stories to me of guests not putting in an appearance on the day (in one case, nine guests failed to arrive).

The poor bride's father had to pay for these 'no-shows', which was extremely rough on him from the cost point of view. Unless the reason for their failure to arrive was a last-minute emergency, these wedding guests broke all three rules of good etiquette.

Don't abuse the bar tab

If the father of the groom (who is responsible for the bar tab) has kindly offered to host an open bar, guests should not take advantage of it by ordering liqueurs or imported drinks they wouldn't normally imbibe, and of course it goes without saying that they should watch their intake — after all, it would be disrespectful if they became drunk and unruly!

Don't just take anything

Another point wedding guests sometimes need reminding of is that they should not assume that the table flowers or any décor are theirs to take. Unless the Master of Ceremonies has announced that they are there for the taking, it is best to leave them alone, as the bride might have other plans for them.

Be punctual

Then there is the question of punctuality. I once asked a bride why she felt it necessary to arrive late at her wedding and she replied that she wanted to make sure that the guests were all seated before her arrival. She said that at many of the weddings she had attended, some guests arrived at the very last minute. (I have to agree with her that many guests do only rush in at the appointed hour.) As a mark of respect to the couple, guests should try to arrive on time.

Having said that, I would also like to suggest to brides-to-be that in fairness to your guests, whom you have invited to share in your special day, and who have given up their time to be there, it is considered impolite for you to be more than ten minutes late. In fact, I have heard of Marriage Officers who have told brides that they would leave if they failed to arrive on time!

Consider, too, that if you are having a late afternoon wedding, a delayed arrival could cause your photographer some consternation, if he then has to race against time to get the post-ceremony photos taken before the light fades.

Thinking of the day in terms of the bigger picture, arriving late for your wedding could cause the ceremony to run over time, which will have a ripple effect on all the other planned proceedings. For example, if you have booked a string quartet to play for an hour to entertain your guests while you are having photographs taken, and the guests then arrive late, they will have missed out on hearing the quartet and you might have to ask the musicians to play for longer, which will cost more.

Guests are not obliged to bring gifts

Without a doubt the question I am asked most regularly by engaged couples is: How do we tell our guests that we would prefer money to gifts? I always find this a difficult one to answer, since it is generally considered impolite to do this. (I was pleased to hear that Peggy Post and I were in agreement on this one!) What many couples overlook is the fact that they have invited their friends and family as their guests to witness their wedding.

Strictly speaking, these invited guests are in no way obligated to give you a gift. It is the same as if they had invited you to their home for dinner, in which case they would not expect you to bring them an expensive gift, or to proffer some cash!

Another big no-no (although many couples are doing it today) is to include details of your chosen gift registries with your invitations. This information should rather be conveyed to guests when they enquire about gifts — or, if you really feel it's necessary, it could be mailed to them separately, after you have sent out the invitations.

Send a thank you note

Couples sometimes fail to recognise that most guests go to a lot of trouble and expense when buying a wedding gift, and the least the recipients can do is to take the time to thank them. From an etiquette point of view, it is considered extremely impolite not to send a thank you note for a wedding gift you have received.

According to Peggy Post, this should be done within the first month after the wedding. And remember, today's bride doesn't have to shoulder the task of writing thank you letters alone — she gets the groom to help her!

In any event, most guests (especially those who have ordered gifts online or delivered them directly to the reception venue), like to know that their gift has been received, and it is embarrassing to have to enquire whether or not it has reached its destination.

In this article I have focused on the three rules of etiquette (consideration, respect and honesty) with regard to weddings in particular — but, as John Lennon might have said, 'imagine' a world in which we all practised these principles in our everyday interactions with one another...