These words are as relevant today as when apparently spoken thousands of years ago by Socrates – it still seems an unwritten law of the universe that the relationship between parents and their teenaged children be “strained”.

But there are ways to improve the situation.

A solid relationship

You can start by creating a solid relationship with your child before they hit the difficult teenage years.

"No relationship can be built immediately. If there’s no trust and openness from the beginning, there’s no way a parent can suddenly expect to form a proper relationship with a teenaged child," says family psychologist Awie Greeff.

This understanding between parent and child will form "the foundation to the relationship during the teenage years".

Fouzia Ryklief, Manager of Community Development and Depression at the Parents Centre, a non-profit organisation that focuses on supporting parents and encouraging healthy family life, agrees.

"Listening is one of the most important skills when building a relationship,"she says.

It allows you to "get into the child's world". But, adults who are usually more than willing to "give others the time of day", are often less accommodating when it comes to their own children. The reason? She believes parents are often afraid of hearing something negative.

Listen, listen, listen...

But Ryklief emphasises that you should listen — even if your child might have something to say that you don’t want to hear.

"You can't expect the child to listen to you, if you don't listen to them."

Spending "quality time" with your child is also important to build trust. She says personal attention is far more valuable than spending money on the child. Not having the time isn’t an excuse.

Even taking only a few minutes to greet the child and look into their eyes when you get home will be beneficial to the relationship.

"Focused attention goes a long way," she says.

Focus on the positive

Focussing on the positive is another good way to build trust.

"We usually point out their mistakes thinking that this will help the child to improve," she says but believes it's more beneficial to provide encouragement, motivation and positive feedback. "Focus on the effort rather than the outcome," she suggests.

While these principles remain important during the teenage years, they can become more difficult to apply as the adolescent undergoes normal developmental changes.

"There are many challenges facing an adolescent," says Greef. They are "faced with an issue of identity. They are trying to find out who they are."

Ryklief explains that, according to the developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, an adolescent goes through what is called the "identity versus role confusion" stage.

"The child wants to move away from their parents, create their own life," she says. "They are trying to assert their individuality, their right to freedom of choice."

Typically, an adolescent will "want their privacy, they want to make their own decisions, and they don't want their parents prying".

Often, says Ryklief, parents aren't aware of these normal changes and take the adolescent's behaviour personally — they shouldn't.

Don't force it

So how do you talk to someone who frequently doesn't want anything to do with you?

"Don't force your company," advises Ryklief. "Respect the child’s wishes, stand back and let them be," she says. But, she adds, you must let them know that you're there to talk to when they're ready to open up.

Use what Ryklief calls an 'I message': instead of taking on an accusing tone, focus on what you feel. "I'm concerned" goes a lot further than "You never talk to me".

And when the child does talk, remember that adolescents are very private. Joan Eastwood, senior counselor at the Parents Centre, suggests that unless your teen child brings up a subject directly, it’s more fruitful to allow them to talk about it in the way they prefer: abstractly.

“Despite their need for privacy adolescents often need a sounding board,” says Eastwood. So, keep these conversations “two way, respectful and friendly”.

By asking the child about his or her opinions on the subject you help them to think for themselves. She believes that South African teenagers aren’t given enough opportunity to explore the world for themselves.

But in order for teenagers to think freely and independently, they want you to take charge, despite behaviour suggesting otherwise.

Not your friends

"Parents aren't their child's friend," she says. "They look out for their children to a much greater degree than friends look out for each other.”

So, when talking to your child, you should be clear about your values, she says. And, when setting limits, “keep the message clear, simple and uncluttered”, advises Eastwood. Always be reasonable and treat your child with respect, though – even when it comes to non-negotiable limits.

"Most teenagers will respond without defiance if they’re treated respectfully and have their limits set reasonably."

When negotiating some of these limits, be open to suggestions from your child; a problem-solving approach reduces defiance.

"Most defiance is simply the result of teenagers seeking respect," she says.

Teenagers also seek acceptance — from their family and friends, creating a push-pull effect between the child and the two groups.

"If they are accepted by their own family, the need to be accepted outside the family is less," explains Greef. Conversely, "if there is little sense of acceptance within the family, the urge to find it outside is likely to be higher".

Rykleif agrees: "Where there is active involvement from the family, the family unit remains intact and able to withstand outside challenges."