It won?t be long before it starts again. Perfectly normal friends, family and colleagues will be talking a new language. I won?t have a clue what they?re on about. They will ask me if I saw Gaetano or Bruna last night and I?ll shake my head and say, no I was at home. They?ll roll their eyes and continue jabbering excitedly about evictions and shower hour.

It?s lonely out there if you have bad reception, no DSTV and would rather wrestle a Komodo dragon from a fresh kill than subject yourself to the Big Brother variety of reality TV. The couch-potato voyeurism involved in observing people cohabiting a kitschly decorated house is scraping the bottom of the entertainment barrel. Give me an over-enthusiastic infomercial host punting inflatable toilet seat covers over drunken amorous housemates in jacuzzis any day.

I?m not going for that claptrap about Big Brother being a fascinating sociological study in human interaction either. Sure, the housemates are humans and they interact, but in the context of a cynical, multimillion rand media extravaganza, replete with product endorsements and sponsorships.

JACQUI ZURCHER
lives in Cape Town near a house with very noisy rottweilers. She is a freelance journalist with an honours degree in Computer Science and a Postgraduate Diploma in African Studies, majoring in Postcolonial English Literature from UCT. On occasion she has been known to dabble in IT.
Watching people picking their noses in rush hour traffic or vying for the last butternut in the supermarket offers more telling insights into human interaction than the housemates coquettishly revealing their bra sizes or trying to conduct a political argument under the influence.

But, some may argue, it?s been enormously popular. That is indeed a mystery. Wasting time watching housemates sleeping or ironing in the vain hope that something exciting will transpire is the lamest form of vicarious existence.

After questioning a friend about her admitted addiction to Big Brother she revealed it all started with ?Bad Brad?. Her argument-defying reason for watching: "I don?t watch because anything is happening, but in case anything happens." Fair play to her, as the Irish would say. As a hardcore doctor working ridiculous hours, slicing people open and saving lives, I suppose she is entitled to her veg time.

After venting my frustrations with Big Brothers of the past, maybe I should not be too hasty to judge this new, even Bigger African Brother. It does, after all, bring together housemates from all over Africa, which is pretty cool.

Professor Kole Omotoso, or the wiley Yebo Gogo character as most of us fondly know him, has even been hired as the BBA Kultcha Vultcha. According to the official website he was involved in the selection process to ensure the authenticity of the contestants.

Now, having been an African Studies student, I am something of a fan of Prof Omotoso, who is currently a professor in the University of Stellenbosch Drama Department. If anyone could sway my opinion on Big Brother, it would be him. Besides being an eminent academic, his greying hair makes him appear so dignified and fatherly. My hapless admiration for wise African patriarchs aside, Prof Omotoso gives me a trustworthy vibe.

He is quoted on the BBA website as saying: ''Big Brother Africa is a creative adaptation of reality television, now a universal phenomenon, to an African entertainment fusion. It should help us to a more critical knowledge of ourselves as well as an increase in our knowledge of one another in Africa."

So articulate! How can such fine words not put the entertainment and, indeed, educational merits of this cutting edge venture in reality TV beyond doubt? Perhaps I should get DSTV and subject myself to hours of inane ironing and drunken banter for the sake of cultural bridge building.

It just sounds like a suspiciously lazy way to positively engage with different cultures to me. It?s also exclusive. Only viewable on MNet or DSTV in South Africa, it seems cross-cultural awareness is the domain of the wealthy.

I reckon Prof Omotoso got really tired of his colleagues at Stellenbosch asking his opinion on Ferdie?s chances. Ferdie who? Now he has the inside track. No more eye rolling in his direction at the varsity water cooler.

The good news is, you don?t actually have be involved in the selection of the contestants or even watch Big Brother Africa to be conversant in the lingo of the housemates. To avoid complete social alienation this season, simply go to the official website at www.bigbrotherafrica.com. With daily updates that shamelessly conceal any juicy information, while hinting provocatively to encourage viewing, you can still get a vague gist of the happenings in the house.

At least you?ll be asking the right questions.