Sometimes we overlook some of the most common perils of inviting a new man home. Perhaps you've known him a few weeks, or perhaps you’ve known him a few hours. Either way, when you ask him up for coffee, a few things may have slipped your mind.
How about the fact that your feet give off a blue cheese odour when you've kicked your heels off, or that you forgot to wash the rotting pile of dishes, or even that your dirty laundry monster is spilling out the bathroom and threatening a coup? These are issues we learn to live with if they're ours, but that we know outsiders are likely to be completely disgusted by. If we're honest with ourselves, we'll admit, they are pretty revolting.
Make or break
That first night is a make or break in some respects. But it only takes a little forethought to ensure that those rotting dishes, laundry monsters or smelly feet don't get in the way.
At least these domestic calamities are controllable, unlike when you’re asleep and your basic bodily functions start having a party under the duvet.
Blame it on the dog
Some people have it worse than others. My sister involuntarily starts farting in her sleep. She only knows this because she wakes herself with her own "sphincteral" noises. And if it wakes her up then what is the guy lying next to her thinking?
Then there’s my colleague who has a very 21st Century sleeping disorder: sleep texting. She has no idea what messages she has typed and sent until she wakes up the following morning. Imagine the surprise when her lover rolls over to check his phone and finds a garbled and disturbing text from her?
Words are all I have
My sister might be a sleep-farter and my friend a sleep-texter, but I'm a sleep-talker. Whilst getting some shut eye, I laugh, cry, scream and shout, perform full on Shakespearean soliloquies... you name it. And, according to the various men who have been lucky to share my bed, the words that come out of my mouth when I am sleeping are very, very coherent.
Just the other night I was told that I screamed, “Don’t touch me there, Austin, touch me there!” I still don’t know who Austin is, but it’s safe to say it wasn’t the man lying next to me. Ouch.
It’s one thing shouting out strings of words that make no sense together — you might feel a little silly when your partner recounts your snoozing performance. It's quite another thing revealing secrets during your sleep. It’s always a bit disconcerting to wake up and wonder what mischief made its way out of my mouth while I was asleep.
Creativity is key
Let's face it, making the decision to invite him in is fraught with risks. We all know it's a make or break moment when you both step through that door.
My advice? The best distraction you've got up your sleeve? First, be brave, then be inventive. If you've got smelly feet, keep your shoes on, if your kitchen is rotting, get take-out and if you're a sleep-farter, well, he'd better get used to it.
If all else fails, there's always good sex to fall back on and we all know how easy it is to forget our partner's indiscretions after a delicious romp in the sack.