Allow me to encroach on a sensitive issue this week.

For those of us bought up on the classier side of the proverbial tracks, you might never have this conversation with anyone. For those of you without this problem — and I find that hard to believe — you also might never have this discussion with anyone. Which is why I’m going to talk about it today.

All of us have fallen head over heels into the welcoming arms of unprecedented lust at one point or another, whereby the first few weeks are laced with the sugary sentiments of laughter, endless politeness, and a startling blindness to even the most obvious flaws.

Going the extra mile

We women will ensure we’re looking our best at all times — from a romantic dinner appointment to when we awake next to the creature that makes our hearts sing. If our hair looks like something out of The Shining, we’ll probably sneak into the en-suite and sort it out.

Though extreme, some women will go so far as to put their faces on before the sleeping male opens his eyes. I always find that astonishing, because not only does it set a precedent, I equate the effort equal to waking up at the crack of sparrow’s to go spinning. And let’s face it, the occasion will arise when he sees her sans make-up, and it could make for an unpleasant discovery.

So we can safely establish that in the beginning, we want to seem as perfect as possible for the new partner at hand. And I’m not talking about freshly laundered summer dresses and perfectly coiffed hair. I’m talking about bodily functions.

I am of the strong disposition that women don’t have bowel systems.

At least not for the first five years. Whatever we consume, masticate, digest, within the first five years of any relationship, we do not know of and we should never speak of. I’m going to be frank: I know couples who have been together so long, that their Saturday morning bedroom activities comprise fart ping pong. As a result — and I’m going to blame this heinous little activity completely — the couple in question have evolved into a creepy sibling-esque brother-sister couple.

Any last flame of romance died the moment their bodily functions became a medium for bedroom fun. Suddenly she wasn’t a girlfriend; she was his buddy. And I’m a firm believer that even the bathroom door should be firmly shut, as a necessary barrier and saving grace of any romantic partnership. Relationships are difficult enough.

I’m pretty darn certain that Jada Pinkett-Smith doesn’t divulge anything bowel-related to her husband. And I’m guessing, even during the tough times, when they eat three bean burritos together, no matter the dire results that ensue, the only chit-chat surrounding the burrito in question goes along the lines of, ‘I’m off to take a shower, see you later.’

Perhaps I’m being extreme, but what do you do when you’re travelling together? After an overnight flight, the close sharing of bathroom facilities, not to mention your body adjusting to a new time zone and new cuisine, there’s bound to be some unmentionable flatus about the place.

So do you go for a brisk walk? Unfortunately, going for too many brisk walks is sure to insight suspicion. Sticking to water, non-carbonated drinks and stepping far, far away from complex carbohydrates, dairy products and beans should at least help to keep your feminine wiles firmly intact.

Christmas is a time for sharing but like everything in this world, there are limits. So, whether you’re planning to camp, road trip, or visit a resort this festive season, some things are better left unsaid.

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