A group of us were chatting about non-negotiable traits versus acceptable traits, with particular emphasis on how we search for in a partner.

Apparently — or all the dating books seem to say so anyway — it's important to separate these two from each other, based on level of importance.

It's interesting because while my friend Holly highly values 'mustn't have ginger hair' as a non-negotiable, I term it 'acceptable', especially if he has a large tackle and opens car doors for me when it's raining. However, these are the finely-tuned, shallow requirements one needs to whack at the bottom of a long list of needs, obviously.

Forgivable versus unforgivable

People do really dumb stuff, especially in the throes of angry passion, so one has to slot in 'forgivable' versus 'unforgivable' alongside some of these character traits.

If she throws a vase at you because you spent the evening drinking tequila from a bucket at the local, wearing only your underpants, then is that forgivable? Is the temporary act of seething rage acceptable?

I think it all comes down to context and what a partner may offer despite his downfalls.

'Settling' just because everyone else on the planet is getting married/is married isn't an option for me, even if my friends earnestly appeal, "but you'll grow to like him".

Grow to be attracted to someone?

This is one of my pet peeves, and it's a non-negotiable. How can one grow to be attracted to someone? Somebody is going to get hurt; there will be tears.

That's how I have hurt people in the past — by settling — and intentionally hurting people doesn't come easily to me unfortunately.

But settling for someone who fits all your non-negotiable qualities, save the fact you find it difficult to have sex with them because you simply don't feel the fire? Come on!

I don't know how people do it; have a relationship with someone they don't get butterflies in their stomachs for — without getting punished on vodka cocktails beforehand.

And let's face it, even if you’re bonded by an 'intellectual love', having to be wasted before being physically able to devour your other half isn't an intelligent method of relationship sustainability.

What exactly are non-negotiables?

Non-negotiables seem obvious at face value, but how many people actually adhere to their standards? If he hurls abuse at you loudly in the middle of a packed restaurant, do you forgive and move on, or do you take stock and realise that this non-negotiable is set in place for a good reason — being shouted at in public doesn't equal 'Happily Ever After'.

Furthermore, if she makes you spin with white hot rage, then surely this should be a non-negotiable too?

Non-negotiable facets for choosing a partner should usually be based on the ethics and values we were (hopefully) bought up with: he shouldn't raise a hand to you; she should treat him with respect; they should be faithful to each other; he should always be kind to animals…

Non-negotiables could also be the less-obvious characterisations that you need to be affronted with in order to be a happily en-coupled person. These can include table manners (does he imbibe his soup intra-membraneously through his right eyeball? Does he eat his steak with a spoon? Does he call your mother 'Dude'?)

Of course Non-negotiables can also include fundamental life structures that define your sense of self: the fact that he must want to procreate, she has to want to attend Shabbat with you every Saturday, he must be into kinky German leather porn; you both want to live in Australia at one point…

It's tough stuff to take stock of, even after a few months of dating. How you do it isn't in my realm of expertise though, sorry.

'Acceptable' should comprise the things that in a perfect world you'd love to change, but can't and won't. Even if it means she eats sardines before bedtime, he has a tattoo of his ex-girlfriend's face on his upper thigh (everyone makes mistakes. Buy him a laser voucher for his birthday, or otherwise realise he has a past, just like you do), or if she has a furry upper lip that she needs to wax every now and then, if you love them, you'll accept these traits.

If however he wears his Ray Bans upside down because he thinks it makes him look like a rock star or wets his sheets at night, then you're on your own.