Is it better to swing a guillotine quickly, or is it better to gradually cut off someone's arm bit by bit? When it comes to breaking up, what is the best method of execution?

No one can discount that timing is very important. Giving someone the boot when that person has just been demoted at work, or has just admitted themselves to AA, or even pranged their car, isn't hell of a respectful.

Conversely, breaking up with someone while you're watching 'Atonement' together, wrapped in each other's arms munching a shared box of popcorn, isn't going to go down like a homesick mole either.

Breaking up is hard to do. For whatever reasons you've decided it isn't working, or won't work at all, it takes a certain level of brevity to do it properly. And it takes much experience and practice to get it just right.

Bad break-up decorum

I'm guilty as charged when it comes to bad break-up decorum. I once told a chap it wasn't me, it was him, the morning after, and just before I had to drive him home. The drive was an excruciating and awkward twenty minutes of, 'so… sorry about breaking your heart… how's this weather? Cooking or what?'

I've also been too soft. I've broken up with someone, only I didn't break up with them at all, it turns out.

We use 'phrase softeners' to break the fall with a gentler cushioning. 'Add-ons', so that we don't have to hear their heart physically break as we spit out the words, 'I just don't want to be with you anymore'.

So what do we do? We add, 'It's because I don't want to be in a relationship right now'.

The problem is we do want to be in a relationship right now. Just not with them, we don't. Thereafter, it's a snowball effect in horrendously thick snow. It just goes from bad to worse because we then find a relationship we do want to be in. And so we get the, 'but I thought you said you didn’t want to be in relationship?'

It's always important to be honest

You live and you learn. The key to breaking up is being firm and honest. There are ways of putting it. 'I just don’t think we’d be good long-term, and I have therefore chosen not to pursue anything beyond friendship with you', or, 'no. I'm afraid you're just not my type'.

You can always follow through with a sorry, and frankly, that would be advisable. Honesty may hurt primarily, but one day, that person is going to be hang-of-a-relieved and happy that you were honest in the first place.

Any 'cling-on phrases' to the resulting break up conversation are going to lead to diabolical expectations and hopes.

Doing the whole, 'I'm not interested in a relationship right now… (cue the crestfallen face and the tears) and so you whack on a 'this may change in the future though!' Then playfully punch their shoulder as they crumble before your eyes with the hope that one day you actually want to, may be good in the moment, but it'll come back to bite you in the behind later on.

However, cutting off their heads with the swift 'thonk' of a guillotine isn't going to win you any favours, a sterling reputation or respect either. Clichés are clichés for a reason — and although you may genuinely feel that 'it's not them it's you,' or think 'we should start dating other people'. Even if you truly believe this — think of another way to express it. Thesaurus.com is especially good, if you're conversationally inept.

It's always important to be honest. It'll sting in the moment, but no one can blame you for upfront honesty. Remember though, there's a fine line. If you're breaking up with someone because they have a monobrow, mentioning this as your primary outlet strategy is a bad idea.

Honesty doesn't mean you have to be cruel. Breaking up with someone because they have one long eyebrow is a little shallow anyway, so try to have some solid, reasonable explanation as to why you don't believe you can be with this person anymore. No decision should be made in jest.

It's a fine line, one that isn't easy to walk. And whether the person turns around and says, 'screw you bastard, I hope your hair falls out', or whether they respond with 'but don't leave me! I cannot live without you', you cannot take responsibility for how they react — but you can be responsible for how you weave the yarn in the first place.