If the movie 'Mr and Mrs Smith' is anything to go by, we should all be having sex ten times a day. But hey, if that movie is anything to go by, we would also all be highly-trained assassins intent on killing our spouses.

The ever-expanding Brangelina brood doesn't exactly help the point I am trying to make here...

So, what is the point? Well, when it comes to definitions of a healthy sex life, not everyone uses the same words... or numbers. Yip, it's okay if you are only having sex once a week (or month?) as long as that is what both people in the relationship are happy with.

"When it comes to the 'three-times-a-week' rule, this is absolutely a relationship killer," says sexologist Leandie Buys. "Firstly, sex does not follow rules and, secondly, every relationship is different.

"Couples who put pressure on themselves to 'perform' will only find themselves feeling frustrated and unfulfilled in their relationship."

Okay, so there is no right or wrong, but how often do you need to be having sex to keep up with the Joneses? Buys says that the national average for South African couples is 2.8 times per week. If anything, that figure demonstrates how completely random figures such as these are. That, or there are a lot of sexually-unsatisfied South Africans out there.

"The only thing a couple can compare their relationship is to itself," says Buys. Is it better or worse than it was? Are we living up to our expectations of our relationship? If a couple starts comparing their relationship with other peoples', they will only end up finding all the faults."

So, how do you go about having the best sex life you can have?

Let's talk about sex, baby

Buys suggests that all couples should be talking about sex regularly. Men and women tend to have different ideas about the role that sex should play in the relationship and if you don't talk about it, it is likely to result in dissatisfaction and intimacy problems.

Obviously, this little chat should not be limited to how often you have sex. Don't assume that your partner knows what makes you happy or what turns you on. And when your partner mentions that she gets really turned on when you voluntarily wash the dishes, don't scoff it off — chances are she will be a lot less willing to slip into that sexy lingerie if you do.

On the whole, romantic gestures, good communication, intimacy and sensuality tend to enhance desire in a relationship for females. Males, on the other hand, tend to get turned on by spontaneity, varied love-making, lingerie, a responsive partner and feelings of sexual adequacy.

Psychological barriers

Most of us have some hang-ups when it comes to sex. Whether you prefer to turn the lights off or are struggling to shake the childhood mantra that sex is bad, chances are that there will be something you are not entirely comfortable with.

Buys suggests that there are numerous psychological barriers to a healthy sex life, most notably: previous experience, parental role models, lifestyle choices, religion, self-esteem and emotions.

"Emotions are a powerful thing. Although they are un-measurable, emotions have a powerful impact on relationships," says Buys.

"If you're stressed at work, your emotions will be affected. If you're worried about something, your emotions will be affected. And these emotions will also affect your relationship. People often allow their emotions to take over from common sense. They allow their feelings to predict the outcome of their relationship without putting the entire situation in context."

Increase your sex drive

Sex drives differ considerably from one person to the next. Whether you have a low or high libido only really becomes a problem if it differs from that of your partner and this discrepancy causes tension in the relationship.

"When it comes to improving sex drive, there are numerous products on the market — from herbal remedies to pharmaceutical pills and creams," explains Buys.

"Certain products work better on certain people, so couples should experiment with different products to find one that works best for them. The 'experimental' process can also be quite exciting and libido-enhancing — like going on a treasure hunt!"

If the thought of dabbling in medication makes you nervous, there are other, more natural, ways of increasing your sex drive. Make sure that you are fit and healthy; avoid negative or self-critical thoughts which will impact poorly on your self-esteem; and set aside some time to relax.

Ah yes... and, most importantly, have fun!

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