I am a commitment phobe. At least I think that's what they call it. I have a classic case of 'run as soon as you feel the pressure'. Work isn't a problem, although a few times I have been close to impulsively booking a ticket to India/South America/anywhere to escape the chains of my desk, but I manage to calm myself down because I know if I really wanted to go, I could.

My most recent dilemma is that my diary is littered with engagement parties, hen parties, weddings… which all spell 'finality'.

My list of wing women is seriously diminishing, with most of my friends from the prime circle of singledom now either married or headed in that direction.

End of the world as we know it

I feel like it's over. The days of pubs, fun and sleep ins or no sleep at all will soon be replaced with civilised gatherings at friend's 'homes' where knowledge of diaper changing is compulsory for guests. Or worse we could end up spending the evening arguing about silverware and what kind of crockery will last a lifetime…

When these moments of finality arise, bouts of phobia hit me. Suddenly my heart starts palpitating, my palms are sweaty, I've no idea where I am, and I'm paralysed by anxiety. My only reaction is the incredible impulse to down my glass of champagne and shout — "Tequila anyone?"

My most recent moment of paralysis was at dinner where we met the 'happy couple' who had just got engaged (again one of my best friends). I smiled and nodded the whole evening but could not form a sentence, and my 'I'm-so-happy-for-you' face must have looked more like a 'my-cat-just-died' kind of expression.

Maybe it's just that I'm not ready, or perhaps it's that I have not mentally prepared for this stage of my life when the general trend is to settle. No doubt it doesn't mean I have to, but someday I will.

One in a million?

So I did a little research and stumbled upon the book by Elina Furman called 'Kiss and Run', in which she says that today single women are becoming increasingly scared of commitment. Whatever the reasons — fear of divorce, increased financial independence, delayed motherhood — more women than ever no longer feel the urgency, or the ability, to settle down. So I realised that I'm not alone.

Furman notes that as millions of single women stand on the threshold of commitment, struggling with their fears as they try to decide whether to get married, cohabit, or break up, many of them wonder:

1. Is this normal?
2. Why am I feeling so anxious?
3. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Sound familiar? Furman says the answers to these questions are simple: (1) Yes, it's normal. (2) Because commitment is scary. (3) And no, you're not alone.

Wax on; wax off Rebekah Kendal reckons that, with a mere six words, she can make grown men wince. Maybe cry.

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