Neil Sedaka was a little off the mark when he sang that breaking up is hard to do. Fact is — breaking up is excruciating. One minute you’re in the fast lane to picket fences and the pitter-patter of little feet. The next you’re checking into Heartbreak Hotel with the wrong half of your joint CD collection.

Yes, it will seem your whole world has gone to pieces. Your ego is bruised, it's going to take many a cry to get over and your mother's right — time will indeed heal all wounds. In fact, that pretty much sums up the four phases of the break-up process. Here's how to cope with each…

Facing the initial trauma

"Breaking up is an emotional crisis," says counselling psychologist Rosa Bredekamp. You'll have to deal with feelings of anger, depression, inadequacy, fear, shock, denial, guilt, confusion, hope for reparation of the relationship and so on.

"Take responsibility for these feelings and find a healthy way to express them so as not to build up further tension," Bredekamp advises.

Find a friend to confide in, consult a therapist, or note down and explore your feelings in a journal.

When Brenda (27), heard that her ex was seeing someone else three weeks after their break-up, her action was a little more drastic.

"I had never been so angry with anyone before and I really didn't know how to handle my emotions. Eventually, I made a big fire and burnt everything that had anything to do with him — letters, photos, presents he'd given me, shells I'd picked up on our walks on the beach — absolutely everything. I know it’s a real cliché, but I felt much better afterwards and could finally start letting go of my anger."

Breaking up tends to bring out the worst in all of us, says clinical psychologist Stephanie Vermeulen, and you may discover things you don't like about yourself and the other person.

"Both parties will say and do hurtful things, but keep perspective and understand that the person is lashing out from their own pain. The unkind things they are saying are not the truth about you — this is just a way of deflecting their negative emotions."

Dealing with rejection

Once you’re over the initial shock of the break-up, it's natural for feelings of rejection to set in. Realise that this is part of the process and although it's important for you to acknowledge your role in the breakdown of the relationship, now is not the time to be obsessing over what you could've, would've and should've done to save it.

"When Chris broke up with me it was a huge blow to my ego," recalls Charlene (28). "Our relationship was probably unhealthy from the start because he was seeing someone else when I met him. I was flattered that he left her to be with me. After a year and a half, I thought we were madly in love. Out of nowhere, he told me things weren't working for him. He said he didn’t really love me and that he found our relationship boring. For months I beat myself up about this, but later I found out he was actually seeing someone else. If I'd been more 'interesting' perhaps I could have kept his attention for another couple of months or so, but eventually he'd move on. It took me a while to realise it, but that's just who he is. It wasn’t really about me."

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Shape Magazine

"It's normal to experience a certain amount of self-doubt and uncertainty after a break-up, but if these feelings intensify and become more destructive with time, it's possible that the end of your relationship may have triggered some underlying conflicts."

It's at this stage that the idea of a rebound fling is most appealing, but you must remember that this is surface-level treatment for deep-rooted wounds, and allowing your relationship status to determine your sense of self-worth is a slippery slope to low self-esteem.

"Jumping from one relationship to the next is the unhealthiest way to deal with a break-up," warns Vermeulen.

"The excitement of the new relationship just covers the unhealed wounds of the past, ensuring that the same issues are likely to fester again."

It's vital that you spend time alone, or with nurturing family and friends, until you've dealt with the grief. This is the only way you'll be able to start a new relationship without hauling in unresolved baggage.

For Wendy (30), it helped to work through everything she was unhappy with in the relationship. "When Sean and I broke up, I made a list of all the things I didn't like about being with him and then made myself a promise that I would never accept or put up with that again. It helped me realise that being with him wasn't a complete waste of time because it could bring me closer to knowing and finding what I really want from a partner."

Easing the post-break-up blues

Sadness is the next phase in the post-break-up cycle, and although this is usually the most painful part of the process, there are many ways to alleviate the blues.

Take time to grieve
The break-up of any relationship is a loss, regardless of who calls it off. When Lee-Anne (33), broke up with her partner of five years, she lost a boyfriend, but also her closest circle of friends, the house they bought together and lived in for three years, and the surrogate family she'd spent so many Christmas holidays with.

"You don't just break up with a person, you end a part of your life," says Lee-Anne. This can be devastating — even if it was your decision to end things — and a proper grieving period is non-negotiable.

Get out and get active
For Beth (26), the best post-break-up coping strategy is to put on her trainers and go for a run.

"When Will broke up with me, I had a constant knot in my tummy. I would wake up early every morning and just lie there agonising. Eventually, I started forcing myself to get out of bed and go for a run before work. This was the only way I could clear my mind and start off my day not feeling completely depressed. A month later, I was feeling much better and fitting back into my skinny jeans."

Don’t underestimate the mood-lifting powers of the natural endorphins released when you exercise, especially if you're doing it outdoors.

The power of touch
Getting a massage is a great way to beat break-up blues, advises clinical psychologist Jamie Elkon. "You may be missing the physical proximity of another, and the healing touch of massage can do a lot to release the anxiety and depression associated with breaking up."

Control your eating
When your life feels out of control, regular, balanced meals are often the last thing on your agenda. Problem is that when your eating habits are out of control, it adds to the sense of disorder in your life.

Don't get trapped in this negative cycle, and make healthy eating a priority. Resist the temptation to starve yourself in some twisted revenge scheme, but don't overindulge in chocolate ice-cream either.

Get enough sleep
Lack of sleep can exacerbate feelings of depression so make sure you're getting eight hours' shut-eye daily. If the emotional turmoil is affecting your sleeping patterns, try natural remedies first, such as avoiding caffeine, getting enough exercise, drinking camomile tea, and meditation techniques (for more info go to www.shapemag.co.za). If none of these work, consult your GP for advice.

Avoid alcohol
Using any form of substance to deal with your grief is never a solution, warns Elkon. "Alcohol is primarily a depressant and can decrease serotonin and dopamine levels so that the natural grieving cycle actually lasts longer."

Don't be a loner
Now is not the time to prove your independence, so accept the support of your friends and family. Seek out people or situations that bring about positive feelings and provide a safe space in which you can talk about your pain.

Rediscover yourself
"Falling in love often involves subtly refashioning yourself into being the 'ideal' match for your partner," Vermeulen says.

"By definition this means losing certain parts of yourself, and regaining these after the break-up can help restore your sense of self-worth."

The abundance of "me-time" created by the split should be used to rediscover those aspects of yourself you sacrificed to make the relationship work. Follow your interests, try out new hobbies, join a club or start an exercise programme.

Avoid big decisions
"Don’t make any long-term decisions when you’re in an unstable emotional state," Bredekamp warns. Although now might seem the perfect time to pack your bags and move to Peru, forcing yourself to make any big decisions at this stage will only add unnecessary stress. Wait until you’ve processed and adapted to this major life change before making another.

Re-establish your career and finances
Expect a change in lifestyle and accept that a lowering of your previous living standards may be part of your new reality. Work towards establishing yourself again financially, and if you sacrificed your career for the relationship, now’s the time to get it back on track. Channelling your energy into work can be therapeutic and rewarding, but be careful not to overdo it.

Time to move on
The sadness has faded and it’s time to find closure. Unfortunately, the idea that you and your ex will sit down and talk rationally about where your relationship went wrong is often unlikely, says Potgieter.

More often than not, the closure you need is something you'll have to work out for yourself, by reflecting honestly on the relationship and accepting your part in its demise.

Questions to ask yourself:

"It is absolutely vital for you to explore what went wrong in your relationship, as this will prevent you making the same mistakes in future," Potgieter says.

Keeping a journal is a great way of doing this because writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you take a step back and see things in perspective. "You can't really see a relationship objectively until you're well and truly over it," says Thandi (30).

"When John and I broke up I was devastated because I was convinced he was the one. He had so many amazing qualities and I couldn't imagine finding someone better suited to me. But then six months later I met the guy who really was the one, and now we're happily married. Back then I wished we could've solved our problems rather than breaking up, but in retrospect I'm really glad we didn't. Our break-up was the best thing that could've happened."

Do you need professional help?

If it’s been more than six weeks since your break-up and you answer yes to the questions below, it may be time to consult a therapist:

• Have intense feelings of fear, anxiety, worry over the future and so forth been getting the better of you for more than six weeks?


• Are your feelings impacting your normal day-to-day functioning — affecting your work performance, relationships with friends and so forth?


• Are you isolating yourself from friends and family?


• Are your thought processes becoming more negative and irrational as time goes by?