What is meant by 'setting boundaries' in a relationship and why is it important? Sex and relationship therapist Dr Lorraine Becker offers frank advice…

Setting boundaries in relationships defines how we allow others to treat us. Healthy boundaries allow trust and security, and protect us from abuse. Unhealthy boundaries open us up to being used.

Some women find setting boundaries easy. They probably grew up in a functional family unit where it was safe to express their likes and dislikes, and so throughout life they are treated with respect and dignity because they are able to show that there are some things they will tolerate and others they won’t.

Lack self-worth?

Some women find it difficult, if not impossible, to set and keep boundaries. This is often due to an over-willingness to please. They lack a sense of identity and self-worth and become a doormat in every relationship.

They cannot speak for themselves and lose their ability to communicate their thoughts and feelings. They allow others to treat them badly and seldom speak out to protect themselves.

These women become accomplices in their poor treatment, giving up a large percentage of who they are, and usually suffering from depression as a result.

Kate (33) is a mother of two. She had been physically abused by her former husband, and now she has a new partner but is fearful that this relationship is going to go the same way. And there is a likelihood that it will, unless she learns to set boundaries.

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Shape Magazine
Kate needs to communicate to her partner her values and limits. She needs to set rigid boundaries like "it is never OK to be violent with me or my children" and "it is not acceptable to cheat on me" and "it is not acceptable to swear at me or call me bad names".

She can set these boundaries by saying, "if you do… then I will respond by…". She needs to be prepared to defend her boundaries by following through with her consequences.

There are also flexible boundaries that can be reached through negotiation. For example: It is ok for her partner to go out twice a week to play action cricket with his friends but he needs to be home before 11pm, and not drive under the influence of alcohol.

Communicating your limits

Setting boundaries is not a threat. It is communicating clearly your limits and the consequences that will arise if the boundary is broken. We all need to know our boundaries — what's acceptable and what is not.

This is true in any relationship, even those with our friends, family and colleagues.

Personal boundaries communicate to the other person that we have worth. This sense of self-respect allows us to make our own decisions and have our own thoughts and feelings. Healthy boundaries allow each person to live to their full potential.

Often couples need help in negotiating boundaries. Many young couples find the pre-marital counselling that most churches offer to be very valuable. In these sessions, they often give you each a questionnaire to complete which helps to highlight your values, beliefs and limits. You then have the opportunity to discuss your differences and come to agreement before problems arise.

Boundaries help you to set limits on your time, your money, your physical body and your emotions. For example, if you have set boundaries for yourself at work, you will have a clear set of what is right and wrong in the business environment. This will help define who you are and what you are prepared to do.

If you have difficulty setting personal boundaries and/or are allowing people to treat you badly, perhaps you should consider counselling. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

Lorraine Becker is a GP with a special interest in sexual health and relationships.