She stood there in front of me with tears welling up. Her big blue eyes ? now overflowing with tears ? seemed to reflect all the pain and hurt she was feeling from rejection. Teen love can be so cruel, I thought...
What could one possibly say to comfort a 15-year-old girl who has just been dumped by a matric boy?
"Why can't I find someone just right for me?" she asked.
Indeed, and a very good question, and one that needs much contemplation.
There was so much to tell her, so much she didn't know about the future and her future relationships, ultimately culminating in her choice of a husband.
100 percent compatible?
My mother always observed people whom, in her opinion weren't (as) "normal" (as her), (comparatively speaking of course) that " ?there is a lid for every pot".
But can one find a perfect fitting lid? Can you find a partner that is 100 percent compatible?
Before we answer that question, let's examine a bit of philosophy. Dr TR Khanna once said, "We are the sum total of the choices we make".
Some people believe that these choices are formed based on the information that we have been provided with through our senses since pre-birth together with all our subsequent experiences and input from our parents, family, peers, society, schooling and our environment in general.
Then, those who are more spiritual may be 'moved' to make a choice or use their 'good book' as a guide to their decisions.
From my experience, even their 'good book' can be interpreted differently; one need only look at the extremes that some religions have.
It's about choice
Either way, whether it's subconsciously or with a book, we then measure any input against these attitudes and beliefs and then make a choice.
What then are the chances that any two people will have had the same influences, have the same interpretation, same philosophies, attitudes and beliefs and then make the exact same judgement call as their partner every single time?
Chances are very remote in my opinion. With this in mind, I don't believe there are any two people that are 100 percent compatible.
Do I then advise divorce on the basis of incompatibility? Indeed not. What I would advise is to find out why you believe you are incompatible. What is it that is causing you to believe you're incompatible? Do you argue? If so, what do you argue about?
There are always differences
Every couple I know or have met has (present continuous tense) disagreements about something or other.
It's not to say they're not happy or that they don't love each other, it simply means that we are all different with different views on issues and sometimes even of life.
Is this reason to divorce? I don't believe it is. Get to the root causes. People so often cite incompatibility as a reason for divorce without finding out the root cause.
I would like to suggest that if you think that you and your current spouse are incompatible, whatever is causing that feeling is going to follow you to your next relationship and the one thereafter.
This sounds very harsh but the point I am trying to get across is twofold. Firstly, find the root cause of the problems in your marriage without citing incompatibility and opting out. Secondly, when you've found the root cause deal with it, in this marriage, before it's too late.
There is one single factor that causes divorce, find it out and change your marriage.
Bruce Wademan is a FAMAC accredited mediator and counsellor. He studied counselling at BTC and Family Law at UNISA. The response to the question covers some of the issues in marriage and does not constitute advice. It is important to consult with a counsellor or therapist who through therapy will be able to provide comprehensive and appropriate advice.