A couple have been together for a few years. Kim still finds herself very jealous of an 'ex' of Richards. This bothers Kim as she knows Richard loves her. She needs to work this out.

Megan's answer:

This is one of those complex issues that depends on your world view and on what type of relationship you both want.

A traditional 'romantic' view would be based on exclusivity and possession or the fusion of two individuals. “We belong to each other and our main focus should be to make each other happy.”

This relationship type is what I call attachment based on neediness and would not accept ‘another woman.’ Within this relationship framework it would appear that he ‘gets it all’: a dedicated long term girlfriend and a close friendship with his ‘ex’, leaving you to feel alone, insecure and jealous.

From this standpoint you could say: Richard brought this problem into the relationship, he must fix it and make you feel better because you are after all his one and only love.

The erroneous expectation is that your partner should love you more in order to make you feel safe.

My preferred viewpoint comes from eastern philosophies which would advise you to detach from your negative emotions, to allow and accept the universal balance of things or simply ‘love more.’

The west has embraced many of their teachings which has helped us to understand what a ‘conscious’ relationship is. It seems to me that you and Richard are already on this path.

You are aware that you feel jealous and you have owned your problem. You both want a relationship where there is room for growth, self discovery and where each of you accepts responsibility for your own happiness.

So why are you still stuck? Let’s consider some possibilities.

  • The first step is not to see yourself as stuck at all. You both have been given an amazing opportunity to explore your differences and each deepen your self understanding.

  • Notice that this situation is triggering uncomfortable emotions in you. It seems you are disappointed with yourself for being insecure or unaccepting. So the second step is go gently on yourself. Give up the guilt or the judgement of yourself so that you can free yourself to discover more. This is a precious journey that deserves time.

  • Look deeper than the jealousy. What fears or anxieties exist? This is a more unconscious level and maybe a little irrational. Being controlling or posessive is a way to solve the problem of fear. I cannot tell you what fears are below the surface; you will have to be brave enough examine this. Possibly the fear of not being important enough to be loved? Or are you afraid of rejection, abandonment, loss or powerlessness. When you cannot admit to your fears you will resort to control. Control never actually solves the insecurity that underlies it. In fact what you resist persists! Release this fear by simply deciding to let it go. Trust yourself.

  • You can heal the remnant negativity by talking openly and carefully to Richard and by accepting his love for you. Also spend sometime forgiving anyone that has caused you similar pain in the past and letting go of any resentments. Be brave enough to be honest to yourself and Richard and still remain accepting and loving of yourself.

    • It’s a good idea to check out any positive or negative projections that you have about the 'ex'. This opportunity has given you a mirror to view yourself.

    For instance you may think that you are not as interesting or accepting as she is; or you may imagine that she is manipulative or wants something. This information will give you insight into your own negative ego and you may realise that you are still judging and doubting yourself too much.

    This is the real damage because you are still rejecting aspects of your wonderful complex self. Own them, love them in order to transform them. You will naturally discover a different way of handling things.

    Your perceptions colour your attitudes.

    Finally, remember that love is abundant and your true essence is uniquely beautiful. The core of each person is free yet intimately connected to all on a soulful level.

    Know that nothing is permanent yet we can revel in the love of the present and decide to give with all our hearts, because there is no end to the source of love.

    Be excited to discover each other, while you carefully protect your own self. In deciding to believe in your relationship and by trusting Richard’s decisions will bolster the love that already exists.

    This relationship is a process that unfolds as you develop a deeper understanding of yourself and your ability to truly love.

    Love allows freedom yet it cannot protect you from the pain of life.
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