Is my boyfriend too possessive? I have been invited to a wedding on my own and he doesn't want me to go. He says he is serious about it. Although we have only been together for six months we have become very close quickly. He's 27 and I'm 24.
I'm worried that in such a short period of time he is already dictating to you. What kind of close relationship is this? So close that you are getting locked in a closet with him. And then you are asking me if this is okay, which makes me even more worried about you.
If you wish to be told what to do and when to do it and live like a puppet at a time when you should be courageously "out there", I suppose it's okay ? but his possessiveness is not love, it's insecurity.
The insecurity could be coming from a deep fear of loss or a feeling of worthlessness or inadequacy. It's common to find that the more insecure a person feels on the inside; the more they search for a way to feel powerful in their lives.
Unfortunately, it's often at the expense of another person.
When we begin to care for another, it is natural to feel that you would like to protect the relationship and hold it in a sacred space. Therefore we may feel sad or disappointed if our partner wants to do things without us. Exploring the balance between freedom and togetherness is a natural process in all relationships.
Knowing that we all desire both states and that it can be managed with care and understanding normally helps us navigate through these opposite needs. A healthy relationship is built on friendship, respect, mutual trust and an understanding that each person has a right to have space to grow and develop.
Your boyfriend may be holding onto you because he fears that you will leave him or find someone better. Is there any truth in this? Have you given him any reason to believe that you are not committed?
If you are sure that you have been honest and positive about your attachment to him, then you need to look at the reality of his actions.
The facts are clear
The facts are clear: he is dictating to you and doing it in quite a forceful way. If he holds onto you so tightly he will strangle your love.
You may think that you need to make him safe so that he believes in your love, yet I assure you that no one except himself can make him feel safe! He needs to find a way to love and reassure himself.
Most possessive men insist that they are demonstrating how much they love and need you. They may even tell you that it's in your best interest or that you need help with making decisions.
You become the "only one". It's a soul mate trap. He gets your soul and you lose sight of what a mate really is. Soon he will be blaming you for how he feels and you will constantly feel that you are not good enough and think that you can't let him down.
In no time your friends diminish and you begin to accept a new view of reality: his.
Sounds scary but his pattern is common and in fact is often a step away from domestic abuse or violence. So stand your ground now, make no early compromises and be sure to go to your friends wedding looking radiant and happy knowing that when you return home, it should be to a man that asks you if you had a fabulous time and recognises how good it is that you have friends that love you.
This article first appeared in Marie Claire magazine.